Dealing and Relapse
by xsillylovesongs
Summary: Something happens to Rachel Berry that shocks and hurts everyone, especially Noah who had never been good at dealing with grief.


**A/U; I really wanted to have a go at writing a sad/angsty Puckleberry fic and here is my attempt, I hope you enjoy it. Inspired by Tarafina's angsty fic called 'It's your song that sets me free" , please please go check it out it's so fantastic! So here goes hope you like it!**

*Flashback*

_"Noah did you miss a meeting today?"_

"No.." He mumbled his voice incoherent as he spoke.

_"Now I know you're lieing, you have to go to these meetings to deal with your grief"_

"What you want to go away? Cause that's what the meetings are for to get rid off you" He said his voice barely audible as his words went on.

_"Oh you can never get rid of me"_

"Wanna bet?" He said glancing over at her his fingertips curling around her curly brunette locks.

_"You know I am highly opposed to betting Noah but still Promise me? Promise me you will go to the next meeting?"_

"I fucking promise you, don't I always promise you?" He said, mumbling once more as he held her pillow close before falling into another slumber

*Flashback*

-x-

It was just under a year ago that she had been taken from him, over a year since she had left him. It hadn't been her fault the way it had ended, her life had been taken from her in a way that took thousands of American's every year. It wasn't her fault, she was always so sensible and in control; Rachel would have never let this happen to her, it just did and for while Puck wondered if he could have done anything about it he had often blamed himself, but he couldn't have done anything- he wasn't even their when it happened.

He remembered being phoned up by Hiram and he had rushed over to the scene. The driver was gone, he didn't even stop to call her an ambulance- they called it a hit and run, it was an easy way of explaining how his girlfriend had been taken away from him in a matter of seconds, they had told him they would look into the case like it would make a difference like maybe finding the guy who had killed her would bring her back.

The driver had been going too fast and the car had been swerving, Rachel didn't stand a chance against the huge machine that plowed into her body and somersaulted her over the bonnet. She didn't stand a chance when she hit concrete floor with a thud, and any chance she had of surviving was snuffed out when the blood began to pool around her head, they said that her skull had cracked and she wouldn't have felt much pain; that wasn't any consolation to Puck.

The funeral had been a week later and Puck had dragged himself there, he hadn't cried he had saved that when he got home. He had stumbled through the door and sobbed into the pillow she had always slept on for hours and hours taking in her scent, taking in her beautiful smell of strawberry's and cinnamon, the smell that drove him crazy and reminded him so much of her. That was when he had first heard her voice after...the accident.

*Flashback*

_"Noah are you going back to school tomorrow?"_

"Rachel?" He said his eyes suddenly opening and stinging from the tears that clogged them, his eyes met hers and for a moment his breath caught in his throat as he saw her sat on his bed like nothing had ever happened.

_"I asked you if you would be attending school tomorrow, you know you have a math test in two weeks and you cannot afford to fail"_

"Rachel what are you doing here?...You're dead" He said his shock evident as he sat up his eyes wide with fear and...hope, he continued to stare at her face, her beautiful face as though she was really their, as though she was really sat on the end of his bed talking to him like she had before.

_"No I'm not dead! How dare you say such an absurd thing Noah, it really is ridiculous. "_

"Yeah..you are" He said almost laughing that he was arguing with his dead girlfriend, but he stopped himself in fear, his eyes never left hers in worry that if he looked away she would be gone.

_"No I'm not dead, I'm with you Noah so how can I be dead?"_

Puck had no idea what to say to that, he had no idea what was happening, so he simply rolled over and went so sleep.

*End Flashback*

_-x-_

They had been dating for two years when she had gone. Two years of ups and downs and love and hate. He had asked her to go out with him when they took Nationals- well they came second and that was good enough for him and just good enough for her. They had been on stage and she had hugged him and he had kissed her and it went from there. A year later and Noah knew she was the girl he would marry one day, he loved her and she loved him despite Finn and Jesse and all the bumps in between they loved one another no one else.

Puck had finally found the one thing in his life that was good, he had found the girl that one day he would marry and start a family with..or at least he thought he did. But no before they could live out their dreams she was gone, just like a gust of wind she was gone.

Or at least he thought she was gone.

*Flashback*

_"Noah why are you drinking? You know it's not good for you!"_

He was in his bedroom; the place he rarely left now days, he had one of her animal sweaters on the bed next to him and he had a bottle of Jack in his hands, he had been drinking a lot since the funeral three weeks ago, drinking to forget and drinking to try and numb the ever longing and every going pain he was feeling.

"Shh" He said, he would have thought he was hearing her voice because he was drunk, but no this wasn't the first time he had heard her voice since she had gone. "I like drinking, it's your fault I am anyways"

_"Noah! You know that's not true"_

"Yeah" He said pausing to drink another mouthful "It is"

_"It is not my fault that you can't control yourself when it comes to alcohol"_

"I can, like I said it's your fault I'm drinking this, you're the one who left me" He said as he felt the familiar sting of tears his his eyes, he avoided looking directly at her because then his anger would get even worse. "You're the one who's gone and not coming back"

_"I haven't gone any were I'm still here"_

"No you're not, you're dead" He said as he felt the anger rising up in him "And you're always gunna be dead" He said the tears now easily sliding down his cheeks "You're never coming back" He said the anger continuing to fill him up before he snapped and threw his bottle of half full Jack at the wall, it didn't make him feel any better and it felt even worse when she didn't tell him off for his temper, as he knew once again she had left.

*End Flashback*

_-x-_

Everyone was pretty sure he was going crazy a month and half after the..accident. He wouldn't speak to anyone about his problems, and he only came in for lessons; he only came in for her, sure he stayed at glee but only because Rachel would have wanted him too, they somehow won Sectionals with Quinn leading and a new girl at the back, he knew they would never take Regionals without Rachel. He avoided talking to anyone and even thought they kept trying, even thought Finn would come round his house and even Santana would try and get him to talk he ignored them and walked around like a dead person.

The only time's he felt he was alive was when she spoke to him. It was weird, he should have gone to someone about talking to you're dead girlfriend but he didn't, because even though he knew she was gone having those short moments of having it feel like she was there were the best moments in the world and even though he knew she wasn't really their and he was imagining it, it was the only thing keeping him going; the only think keeping him sane.

*Flashback*

_"Aren't you going to go eat dinner Noah? You don't want to get ill"_

"I will in a bit" He said his eyes opening and the smile lit up his face as he saw her there, lying next to him on the bed like she used to, her brown hair fanned around her face, the necklace he bought her for Hanukkah resting on her collar bone.

_"Promise?"_

"Course I promise" He said his hand reaching to cup her cheek, he sighed as he smoothed her skin under his thumb and he saw that smile on her lips, the smile she always got when she was happy. "I love you" He said looking across at her and forgetting that she had ever even left him.

_"I love you too"_

*End Flashback*

_-x-_

The only reason he hadn't been sent to a counsellor was because he kept her quiet. He didn't ever talk about her and he didn't talk about seeing her again; he knew he would be labelled a nut job if he did. So he kept quiet, if she spoke to him in school he would throw her an apologetic look and ignore her, then he would spend an hour talking to her when he got home about everything he missed about her and about everything he was doing.

He remembered the time he had snapped, he had been in school stood at his locker when Quinn tried talking to him, Rachel had always been insecure when it came to Quinn. She had always worried Puck would run off with her or something and it had taken vast amounts of reassuring on Puck's part that, that was never going to happen. So he shouldn't have been surprised when he heard her voice in the middle of the choir room.

*Flashback*

_"Why were you talking to Quinn? Noah? What did she want?"_

Her voice rang like alarm bells in his head and then their she was in front of him stood in the same spot that she had stood in so many times before to take on many a solo. The glee kids were behind him chattering and Mr Schue was talking to the band, none of them noticed him frozen to the spot in the middle of the floor, they were probably used to him being weird by now. He shook his head as discreetly as possible in hope that would stop her but it didn't.

_"Is it because she's prettier than me? Do you still have feelings for her?"_ And then she did that look, the look that made his already broken and battered heart shatter that little bit more._ "Is it?"_

"No it's not" He said before he could realise, he didn't even realise it until the entire choir room when silent and it was just him and his words filling the room. "You know I don't love her, I love you baby" He said staring at the blank spot in the middle of the floor were to him she was and to everyone else she wasn't.

"Puck?" The voice that spoke was Quinn's and it couldn't have been worse timing.

_"Oh I see how it is? You want her don't you? Clearly my personality is too high maintenance for you and you would proffer to have someone easy around like Quinn"_

"No I want you, I love you" Puck said tears glinting in his eyes as he yelled at the air in front of him "I don't want anyone else baby, please I love you" He said tears streaking his cheeks, the glee kids had all frozen terrified of what was going on, he heard Mercedes mutter something along the lines of "Hes cracked' but he didn't care. he didn't pay attention.

_"Do you, do you really Noah?_ Her expression hurt him more and the ache in his chest was horrible.

"I do, I'll shout it to the mountain tops if you need me too" He said his voice loud and scared "I love my girlfriend Rachel Berry" He yelled at the top of his voice, and then she went with a small smile and the look she always had when she was pleased.

*End Flashback*

_-x-_

He still spoke to her, all of the time actually. She appeared more and more and they would argue and tell one another they loved one another and she would be their and then she wouldn't. After the incident in the choir room, he agreed to see a counsellor just to shut everyone up and he sat through the meetings with Miss Pillsbury bored out of his mind, but he would sit through them and everyone thought he was getting better.

He knew he was insane but he didn't care, he would walk around school not smiling but not as broken as before. He would talk to his friends but only because he knew he could talk to Rachel when he got home. Everyone thought he was okay and in his opinion he was.

That was until his Mum heard him. She had told him that she was heading out to pick up Sarah but in the end she didn't because Sarah had organised a sleepover. Puck had no idea and spent what he thought would be an hour alone to talk to Rachel, he sat up on his bed telling her about how somehow glee had won Regionals and were heading onto Nationals when his Mum burst through the door with a horrified look on her face. Puck knew he was in for it.

*Flashback*

"I'm sorry Noah I don't want to do this, you're only going for a little while" His Mum spoke and she had true regret in her eyes, and Puck knew she was sorry but that didn't stop the hurt he was feeling.

"Mum please" He asked as he heard the knock on the door and the sirens outside.

"No, you're going" She said and stepped aside as three men in white lab coats piled into their living room, that was right his Mum was sending him to a nut house, well a youth counselling institute that was meant to help damaged teens with mental disorders. "You need to get better, it's been nearly a year Noah you need to get better"

He shook his head as he felt one of the Doctors grab his arm before he heard her voice and saw her then appear next to the TV in the armchair they had always sat in together.

_"Go on Noah, you need to go. I love you and I always will but you need to get better, I'll be here still don't worry, I'll be with you forever"_

So he nodded and walked away with the Doctors, he kept quiet and they pilled him into the back of the car, the only thing that stopped him from jumping out the door or making a fuss was her hand holding his the entire journey there.

*End Flashback*

_-x-_

_"You went to your meeting Noah, I'm proud of you"_

"Yeah, yeah" He snorted as he dumped himself on his bed in his small white room, it had been a long time since he had been sent to this place by his Mum and he still wasn't out, he was still stuck in the large grey building with high white walls and small white chairs. "You know they want me to stop talking to you?"

_"Why? That's outrageous, how dare they try and tell you how to live"_

"Because you're a figment of my imagination" He said his voice thickening as he looked over at her, he knew that look she was giving him the sad and confused look, the look he hated seeing on her face.

_"No I'm not, I do not know what encourages you to say such absurd things Noah really"_

"Yes you are" He said shaking his head "You know you have to go, I can't live like this anymore, I can't pretend you're still here because you're not Rachel, you left me so many years ago but I know it wasn't your fault and I'm sorry you had to go, we had our whole lives planned out but apparently it wasn't for us and I couldn't accept that so I kept you here with my imagination I kept you here so I wouldn't have to contemplate life without you" He said his voice rough as he spoke "So go now please, because if you stay I'm going to forget all of this and just want you here, I'm going to forget everything they say to me because I can't bare to lose you again"

_"If I go..I'm not coming back, you know that?"_

Puck glanced up at her, his beautiful girlfriend; only she wasn't because his girlfriend had died over eight years ago. "I know"

_"Then goodbye Noah, I will see you in heaven one day"_ And she was gone.

"Goodbye.."

_-x-_


End file.
